Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
You Might Also Like
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
time machine? you mean a clock?
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
