Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
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I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Expected my family to chew me out this morning bc I ate all our cans of Who Hash last night but luckily we were also robbed by the Grinch last night so I blamed him for taking the Who Hash and my stupid Who family totally bought it LET’S GOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️
Doug is just Canadian for dog
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.