Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
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Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life