Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.

My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”

Holy shit, I married my father

When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.

“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”

“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”

“Perfect.”

Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.

It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.

ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”

Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

Her: your SO annoying!

Me: you’re 😐

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?

#titanic

men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.

If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on

What I said: GO TO BED!

What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

My safe word is “insufficient funds”.

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it

While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.