@SteveDutzy

HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN

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@notalogin

*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!

@killazilla

My sis just asked if sugar goes bad. Now I can’t stop picturing it bullying the other spices and selling pot.

@causticbob

Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……

E – I – E – I – O…..

@jollyrobber

I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.

@MelvinofYork

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

@HousewifeOfHell

My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.

@anbrll00

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.