HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
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My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
And bowling should be called pinball
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.