HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
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Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist