Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?

If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.

When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣

Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.

Me: Yes, is it still 666?

when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality

It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third

Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.

S:
D:

S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.

S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?

S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?

S: MOM! Come get your husband.

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts

Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead

[a commercial for tampons]

Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for

“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”

Narrator: “Tampons”

What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*

I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?

Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out

*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after

ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors

I’d rather go liquor treating.

I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.

My dad just asked me, “if two vegans fight is it still called “a beef?”

sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth

Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!

why am I working on Labor Day

What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?

An acquaintance

I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.