Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
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i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
anyone else like Italian cereal
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Europe. Made in Germany.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?