Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
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DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
They got Raph!
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Coffee is ready.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.