Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.

You’re welcome…

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.

Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii

And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?

If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?

My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.

Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.

Me: kill me now!

Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you

KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u

[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]

ME: holy shit u saved me

OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die

.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.

[Date]

Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”

The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.

3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean

me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water

3: [smiling] I already got ice water

My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..

May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*

[applies for name change]

June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*

[leaves the country]

Texas.

Where the vegan menu item is chicken.

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”

~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.

Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.

Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

The sacred texts.

The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..