Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
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“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!