Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.

1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer

1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer

2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.

Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?

Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”

My wife:

I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.

a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that

Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.

Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once

Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one

Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested

This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.

Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly

Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it

Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.

I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.

If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.

me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?

moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.

Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan

Cat:

Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?

I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point

Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour

the male barbie should’ve been named barbo

We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.