Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!

I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.

In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .

When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.

I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory

speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food

Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.

I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’

Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”

Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.

Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.

“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband

*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar

My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore

Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.

Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.

Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?

Mom: 27

TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:

5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.

How I read news articles:

1. Read the headline

2. Go directly to the comment section

3. Have a meltdown

My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table

today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties

Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.

Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws

It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

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