Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it

so yeah, i’m adorable

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder

I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!

I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet

Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road

Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls

struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]

me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans

*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*

what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog

i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash

Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.

Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17

Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.

stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay

Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower

My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”

I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.

Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.

“Cows kill more people than sharks.”

“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: But i thought we were happy

Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me

Me: You leave eclair bear out of this

It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.

Thought for the day:

Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?

Please don’t feed the Kardashians.

if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or

Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.