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Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Battery falling down a hole
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx