hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
You Might Also Like
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
True
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.