Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.

Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.

Stages of going to bed:

1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.

My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me

Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.

romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses

Three steps to start a relationship.

1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.

I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground

[at the salad bar]

Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]

[adds cottage cheese]

[adds more cottage cheese]

[adds even more cottage cheese]

[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]

*Stands at produce aisle

*Grabs GIANT zucchini

*Holds it high in the air

*Yells:

Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!

Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.

A gym so fancy they call it a James.

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious

[first day birdwatching]

is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?

New tinder profile pic

restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?

me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious

Never share a secret with a clock.

Because Time will tell.

japanese corn

I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere

The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.

Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts