Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.

Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.

Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?

Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!

JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body

JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood

JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat

**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin

As a kid: what tf does that mean?

Turns 40: ohhhhh

Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.

My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”

Me: merging onto the highway

Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.

Me: And…the other thing?

Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat

She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen

Waiter: May I take your order?

Yes, roll over and play dead!

Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.

Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.

this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear

oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?

Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?

When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.

I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.

Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.

[my first day as a financial investor]

“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”

There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.

Now there is piss all over the floor.

I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair

This is my brand.

Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.