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*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
British websites use biscuits.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead