HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
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If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Thursday
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
getting old is fun
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.