HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
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Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Bed should get ready for ME
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.