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Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
me to God
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before