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Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit