HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
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Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal