Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what the hell pray for carter everyone

Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves

I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.

My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?

Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.

I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.

The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours

9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally

As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”

*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”

if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.

Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza

did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?

I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.

Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?

A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.

nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.

So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?

FUN FACT:

Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.

Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now