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Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!