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COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
ew if literal: let me be clear