Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
You Might Also Like
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
worst…sale…ever
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.