Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
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I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
For those that worship cheese..
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.