Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So Hamburger help me, God

Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.

My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing

Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.

What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing

My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.

Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.

Me: Time heals all wounds.

Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.

Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this

You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”

[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.

Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*

8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.

Todd on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Todd? Most people love it.

Me: How’d you injure your back?

Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”

Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?

Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please

I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅

My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.

People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”

Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.

Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.

My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’