HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
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We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
i can’t wait that long
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me