HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
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My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.