HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
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A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
I’m good, thanks.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄