@SuperApple80

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT TO KNOW IF YOU REALLY PLAN ON WEARING THAT

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@_SetTheHook_

So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?

@msdanifernandez

*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh

@julie2288

The hardest part of raising kids is learning to let them go…

Especially when they’re 19 and STILL can’t remember to flush a toilet.

@SeanLowe09

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

@Dr_Teflon

*Ex wife yelling at me from driveway*

I HOPE YOU DIE A LONG AND PAINFUL DEATH!

Me- no babe I’m not moving back in

Ex-…..

@ShaunRightNow

Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

@discountzen

I told my husband that instead of leaving his dirty dishes on the counter, he should leave them in 1952 so a nice housewife cleans them up.

@SufficientCharm

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.