What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
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No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
u guys got any snacks onboard here
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
I’d hang this in my house.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.