I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
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I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Lmfaoooooo
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.