If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
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It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato