My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
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[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down