Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer

911: omg

Me: omg

911: “an” murderer haha

Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it

8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you

My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!

5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies

Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”

Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.

me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes

me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf

I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂

I hear police are arresting people with perfect driving records.

The charge is wreckless driving.

In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.

I wish they made a KFC scented air freshener so my car wouldn’t smell like Taco Bell all the time.

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager

An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.

My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.

How does North Korea only have four medals so far?

We’re the best at everything.

We even fed our athletes this time.

“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”

Shamcrap?!

“Awful”

Shampoop?!

“Get out!”

Shampoo?

“Genius!”

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.

Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.

Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies

Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls

Date: Sounds good!

Me: The cowboy one is called Woody

*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*

“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”

Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.

*3am

Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!

GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop

ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?

GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs

ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap

friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑