Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[7 AM at the grocery store]

Me: Wow all the old people are out early.

Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.

Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.

[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye

Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”

Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.

Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down

My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again

Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?

If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you

“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.

*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah

I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!

My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

Having a bad vocabulary is very bad

[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic

I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.

So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.

After kissing my girlfriend on the sofa, she said ‘Let’s take this upstairs.’
I replied, ‘OK, you grab one end and I’ll grab the other.’

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing