Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just make the entire table out of coaster

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo

She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school

alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap

Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate

writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names

ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.

Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.

Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.

It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.

I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.

I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.

…No, YOU shut up.

an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard

[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.

Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon

Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao

out-housing market appears to be strong

Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…

Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.

religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.

Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.