Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.

[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian

BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother

I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.

A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).

I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.

I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”

No, please lie, I insist!

Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.

I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.

If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…

– Are you upset?

Typing…

Typing…

Typing…

Typing…

– No.

Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat

[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’

The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it

dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough

murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)

They got a point!

I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.

I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….

That makes 7,427 days in a row.

Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG

I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel

Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?

Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.

‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already

Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.