Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”

– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me

Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.

I only sleep with people who make me laugh.

Luckily, I find myself hilarious.

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.

(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family

20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.

Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.

Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

Updating my resume. Anyone have a more professional word for “dumpster fire?” 🤔🔥📝

My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*

My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*

Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.

God: [making trees]

Trees: yay

God: [making beavers]

Trees: nonononono

{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.

we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too

(my very first day as President)

Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh

Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.

yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird

“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account

How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun

Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing

I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.

My yoga instructor was drunk today.

Put me in a very awkward position.

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

How old people make use of canes:

10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.

4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?

Me, a Dad: Yeah???

4: …

4: MOMMY!!!

I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.

Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*

Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”

I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day

Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.