Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
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nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Name another movie that mislead you?
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.