Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
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Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Become a minion. Get that bread.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.