hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
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[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
So inspired right now.
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave
Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.