hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
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What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.