Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table

Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?

Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack

Anakin: you underestimate my power

Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*

Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks

(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.

Me: …. What?

5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.

Me: …..

Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.

If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.

Jesus: love your neighbor

Me: aw thanks, yours is also great

Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD

[First Date]

I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.

[Second Date]

*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*

I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate

gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast

Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂

It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait

i think we should see other cousins