Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.

One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho

A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.

I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER

computer: create username

me: liamneesonskid

computer: username has been taken

The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.

I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.

Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now

How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.

Her: Why is that expression on your face?

Me: I’m trying to remember your name.

Her: It’s Kelly.

Me: No that’s not it.

I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed

Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”

[ first day as a bartender ]

*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*

*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work

At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.

Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.

Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.

I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.

I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.

Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!

[Taken 26]

Abductor: I have your great granddaughter

LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”

Dammit

my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”