Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”

My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.

I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms

[invention of blue cheese]

“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”

[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.

Him: Can I have your number?

Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.

Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?

Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night

I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself.”

I have a lot of experience.

“Great, can you elaborate?”

They’re bad experiences.

Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction

CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.

HANSEL: He seems nice.

GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.

Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?

Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.

Me: What do you mean just pick something??

Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings

honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah

Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.

My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.

“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.

At a job interview:

“What are your strengths?”

“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”

“Give me an example”

“When do I start?”