Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog

I would love to ker-sploosh this.

me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

Me: What are you up to?

Her: I’m making Chinese.

Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.

[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over

wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!

My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.

Me: How do I beat the bully?

Dad: Just punch him

Me: I am not doing that

Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him

Me: So like an uppercut?

Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do

when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost

They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me

4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube

My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.

I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.

Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.

It’s a vicious cycle.

“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood

What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?

“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.