Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
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we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!