Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.

Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.

I just want the sandwich he’s eating.

i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess

When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.

Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.

People should also put up “NEW CAT” posters around the neighborhood so it’s not all just bad news

take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.

Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.

There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.

Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes

Wife: What about me and the kids?

Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT

after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead

Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*

So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.

When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.

How do you milk an almond?

Me: Send prudes.

Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?

Me: What? Ew. No.

This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!

*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

[God creating bees]

GOD: make some of them fuzzy

ANGEL: thats good

G: make them sting

A: okay

G: and let’s give them teeth!

A: too far

Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!

Priest: *stops talking*

Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*

Ancient wolves be like:

Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.

Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.