Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.

Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.

oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!

Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!

Him:

Me:

Him: that’s a plastic produce bag

Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?

We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29

I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.

me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me

stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:

5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?

Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”

You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.

The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.

Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way

PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part

Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

Body: We need to sleep

Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?

Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS

BaD BoY!!

I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

[shark tank]

ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap

HOST: have you considered the bible belt

ME: yes we predict good sales there

Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?

My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.

SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*

THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.

I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).