Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
You Might Also Like
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
mariah carrie
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
(more comics:
