Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
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I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.