Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
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“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
guys I’m going home
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Who’s your best friend?
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume