Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Cold.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
This week’s mood.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house