Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.

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The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.


*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?


Feel like Hollywood keeps churning out the same movie again and again.


Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile

Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?


Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.


ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!

KIDS: we do!

M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up


If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.


Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.


It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…