Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
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INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Actually cracking up @ this
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.