Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.

Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do

Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas

Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame

CEO: I like it

Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband

Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”

Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.

Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣

@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think

Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.

His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.

There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.

A Story in Three Acts

I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.

II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.

***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***

III. Noooooooooooooooo

i want the dreams to chase me for once

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.

“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party

*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*

Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?

My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.

If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat

my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard

The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase

I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.

There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio

Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic

[3 months later]

Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time