Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
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Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
I know this now 😂
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.