Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
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Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
💻🤡
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT