Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
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Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
This is so wrong 😂
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
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My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.