Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
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Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes