Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.

Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus.

A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man

Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them

But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities

That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.

my feed is like:

ANIMAL CROSSING

eat the billionaires

we are all doomed

ANIMAL CROSSING

gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’

ANIMAL CROSSING

we are gonna die

ANIMAL CROSSING

*sharpening guillotines*

ANIMAL CROSSING

ANIMAL CROSSING

SOCIALISM NOW

ANIMAL CROSSING

I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

this plan is WAY too aggressive imho

Dear Neighbours,

“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.

[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”

the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else

uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou

With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.

If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.

Me: I’m gonna make you groan!

Her: you mean moan?

Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets

I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.

You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.

i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.

titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee

when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago

Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill

I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.