Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
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I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁