Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dam girl

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.

my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie

[first Captain to go down with the ship]

Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.

Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]

my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house

me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something

If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.

You better watch out

[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*

MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?

ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther

MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away

ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie

No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping

Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.

My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.

It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.

So I got her a bag of peas.

Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]

You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.

*decides towels smell like mildew

*buys special laundry agent to remove odors

*washes load of towels

*forgets load in washer until morning

*repeat

Have a lovely day 😊

Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…

The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.

Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.

No time to explain get in the wood chipper

Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas

Me: sure

Gas station employee: how can I help you

Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please

Gas station employee: where’s your car

My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.

Playdough smells better than other philosophers

Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot

Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too

We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.

If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.