Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.

Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.

I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.

ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns

A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.

Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?

A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?

I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.

Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh

Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??

HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex

ME: lol

JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby

ME: what

JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again

ME: stop

Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.

*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’

fun fact: nike is short for nichael

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.

Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas

Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame

CEO: I like it

I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.

I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.

Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.

You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”

“A puppy.”

“Pick something else.”

“A different puppy.”

[filing for legal name change]

Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?

Me: I was owned pretty badly on line

Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs

“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”

*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then